


Blank Slate

by luvsanime02



Series: Spooktober 2019 [29]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Gen, Introspection, Light Angst, Mild Language, Spooktober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-07 23:29:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21226028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvsanime02/pseuds/luvsanime02
Summary: Bucky doesn't like being asked about his nightmares, but not for the reason that you'd expect.





	Blank Slate

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the October 29th Spooktober prompt: nightmares.

**Disclaimer: ** I don’t own Marvel comics or characters or movies, and am making no money off of this fic.

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**Blank Slate** by luvsanime02

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Here’s the thing that no one else believes - Bucky never has nightmares. Not about what was done to him, and not about the terrible things that he did to others while under HYDRA’s control. 

Bucky isn’t even sure that what he does can count as dreaming, period. He just sort of… floats in his mind, in the darkness, until he wakes up again. Sometimes, there’s a brief feeling of cold, or pain, but other than that, Bucky sleeps like the dead.

He thinks this is worse than if he was waking up screaming every night. For one thing, everyone else wouldn’t give him blatant looks of disbelief whenever Bucky says that he doesn’t have nightmares. Even Steve doesn’t believe him, Bucky knows, but he’s also the only one who doesn’t push him about it ever. Steve lets Bucky get away with too much, while also letting Bucky know that Steve is  _ letting  _ him get away with it because Steve is still a little shit inside, whatever he looks like outside now.

Even Natasha pushes Bucky more than Steve, who only gives him looks that say ‘you and I both know you’re lying, but I’ll let you if it makes you feel better’. Natasha doesn’t ask Bucky outright about his dreams, or anything. She asks him about how he slept, or what pieces of his past he remembers, or talks about her own nightmares.

Bucky’s still not sure if she’s lying to him in order to get Bucky to open up, or if she’s telling the truth and sharing her experiences in the hopes that he’ll feel comfortable talking about his own. Either way, Bucky’s response is always the same.

Everyone else asks outright. Even Clint has been known to make a comment or two when he’s feeling especially bitter about life. It’s just his way of blowing off steam, though, and so Bucky doesn’t take it personally. Bucky understands that mood very well.

(Clint is bitter about life surprisingly often, and Bucky thinks that if there’s anyone who Natasha should be worried about, it’s him, but he doesn’t get involved. He’s still hoping that the others will learn by example, and that when they realize how much Bucky doesn’t pry into their lives, they’ll back off of asking him about his own.

He doesn’t hope very hard, though.)

Point is, Bucky wishes that he did have nightmares. That he was plagued by his past. It would be better than feeling or dreaming nothing. Some days, Bucky still doesn’t feel quite real, and the lack of dreams doesn’t help with that in any way.

He read once that the worst criminals sleep soundly, while the innocent dream terrors. If that’s true, then Bucky really is a horrible person deep down inside.

So no, Bucky doesn’t have nightmares. He doesn’t wake up in a cold sweat, or stalk the hallways at night like Steve does a lot of the time. Bucky shuts down and turns off like a machine, cold and empty, and revives again in the morning feeling nothing really in particular. 

The anger and shame and regret only comes after he wakes up fully, and Bucky relishes those emotions. He likes to bask in his negative feelings, because at least they exist. At least they’re something real. It’s probably not a healthy outlet, but whatever. Bucky is a blank slate otherwise, and he’s tired of being that more than anything else.

For all that Bucky is a ghost and a nightmare to so many, his own sleep continues to be undisturbed by anything, and Bucky continues to resent both of these states of being. He regrets so much - his whole life, almost. But only when he’s awake.

Only ever when he’s awake does Bucky possess the luxury to regret.


End file.
